Losing Travis has been the Greatest Tragedy in My Life.  My new normal thats what I call it. My sons death did something to me.  It changed me.  Did something to my brain. Everything I do in my life now is what happened before Travis died or after Travis died.  Its like part of my world stopped and started over again. Only vastly different.   All deaths are painful but my sons death has been the worst.

Life is not normal.  Recovering from Travis' death has been a real challenge.  I cry a lot.  Sometimes I know when I'm going to cry and sometimes it just happens.  I find myself sitting a lot and doing nothing.

Some days the pain is so strong and other days I can find some sort of peace.  Its tough seeing his friends going on with their lives without thinking that Travis should be here with them.

His death has changed the lives of his brothers also.  I see how they have been affected by his loss. They loved their little brother so much.

Some think that I am doing so well.  That time has made things easier for me.  They are wrong.  I lost my child.  Not an object or a plant or a distant friend.  A part of me.  I will never leave my son or his memory behind.  I muster up enough energy every day to take a shower, fix my hair, work, show fake smiles.  I have a hard time making decisions.  I am a mother brought to her knees by the loss of my son.

Time passes fast--not for me.  It feels like yesterday.  Where did two and a half years go.  Losing Travis this way was devastating to his brothers and myself.  Walking through this grief of his passing will never heal.  I will carry on for him.  It is through me that he continues to live.

As I move forward in my life the time that separates us grows closer--for I know he waits for me.

Travis Jacob McDow,

Loving you with all my heart!!!

In Out Hearts

We thought of you with love today,

but thats nothing new.

We thought about you yesterday,

And the day before that too.

We think of you in silence,

We often speak your name.

Now all we have is memories,

And your picture in a frame.

Your memory is our keepsake,

With which we'll never part.

God has you in his keeping,

We have you in out heart.

Merry Christmas Travis,

Where do I start?  I always seem to say the same things.  I miss you.  I was reading Emily's note to you and I feel the same way.  Two years ago was our last Christmas with you.  I can still see you sitting there opening your gifts.  I have the pictures burned into my mind.  This time of year is so hard for me.  It is so stressfull.  I have to make myself enjoy things.  It doesn't seem right that a part of our family is gone.  We still open our gifts in the same manner.  We all know that we skip over your turn.  We try to act like that is normal but we know it is not.  At least that is the way it is for me.  I cannot speak for your brothers but I do know that they miss you.  And Sarah, she is still with us.  She is included in all of our family things.  We consider her family.  She will be included in our family for as long as she wants to be.  Her dad has been real helpful in keeping the snow off of your grave.  I try to get there as soon after it snows as I can but her dad has been beating me to it.  I am very grateful to him for helping keep you snow free.  We can walk right up to you and everyone else is covered in snow.  You would hate that attention, but we do it for you anyway.  I saw James' dad at the store last week.  We talked about you boys.  No one fully understands how it feels to lose a child unless they have done so.  James' dad is in the same mental place that I am in.  I feel for him because I am so sad myself all of the time.  Life is so short. One moment a loved one is here and the next they are not.  Just gone. Never coming back. I will never get used to your being gone.  Time will never ease the pain.  In fact, I think it may get more real.  I will forever miss you.  I love you so very much.  Mom        

 Merry Christmas in Heaven, Travis

Merry Christmas Travis! I came to visit you yesterday, it was pretty cold out!

 As we opened presents at Pepa and Gmas house today I cried thinking about the last year you were here and we had gotten pictures taken for the family presents. And how that year I helped you take down Christmas lights at your beautiful home. Where time goes, I dont know? But I cant believe that was 2 years ago! Seems like yesterday!

I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas! Im thinking of you and James always! Cant wait to see you again!

Merry Christmas Boys!

Love always- Emily

Happy Birthday Travis,

     My 9 lb, 8 oz baby boy.  How could an accident have killed you?  You were always so sure of yourself, what happened that night?  What made you and James make such a silly mistake?  I want to be with you that night and make sure that you are okay.  But this is not a day to mourn, not a day of grief.  It is a day to celebrate you.  I wonder what you would be doing today on your birthday.  It is a work day so you would have went to work.  Then you and Sarah would have gone out to dinner, probably to O'Melias or Jalapenos. You would have stopped by like you did every day and I would have given you your card with money in it.  I would have told you I loved you, and to be careful like I always did and you would have went off to celebrate your birthday.  I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.  I hate this time of year.  Everyone is so happy getting ready for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It is so hard for me.  It will never be the same for me.  I know that you are at peace and will never have lifes everyday worries.  There are times when I envy you for that.  But I still wish you were here with me.  Greg's friend Aaron was here a couple of weeks ago and he took his boots off at the door.  I saw them there and I saw your boots.  I see tall guys with a hat on and I see you.  You are with me everywhere I go. I visit you almost every day just because I have too.  Something is missing in me if I don't have some form of contact with you every day. You will forever be a part of me.

I wish you the happiest 25th Birthday you can possibly have.  I love you to the moon and back with every fiber in my soul.  I could not love you more that I allready do.  I miss you baby boy.

It SO unfair that your not here! I have these times where I get SO angry about it! Im having a tough night! So Im going to talk to you! Another Labor Day passed with out you... not any more easy then the first! Your name as well as James was on the t-shirts again this year! We will NEVER forget you Travis! NEVER! I hope you remember me when I see you next. Please dont forget me! I dont know if it will be sooner or later because a greater power is in charge of that. But I just pray you will remember what I look like! Your forever young! Your going to look SO great when I see you again! I wouldnt ever forget that face! I cant imagine how much fun You and James are having?! You dont even have to worry about working:) I wonder if its just like an amazing vacation? or if you get to relax all the time, and hang out with your loved one! I cant imagine time better spent then that! I wish I could be at peace with happy thoughts like that, but I dont know if that will ever happen?! Just when you think you have cried all the tears you have...they just keep coming! I miss you! And think about you everyday!

Your little Sister!

You have another nephew.  Lance and Trishia had a boy on Sept 9th.  They named him Chase Jacob.  He is your namesake.  I think that is a wonderful thing , giving him your middle name.  He sure is a cutie.  We went down to see them last weekend, and holding him made me remember my precious babies.  Babies that grew up so fast and now you are gone from me.  I miss you so much Travis.  It will never matter to me that you were getting all grown up and moving away from me and starting your own life.  You will forever be my baby boy.  You always told me you were going to have four kids.  We will never know.  I can only imagine that you would have been as great a father as your brothers are.  Its so sad that we will miss that part of you.  You would have had beautiful children.  Life is so unfair.  Why my baby? Why my son?  I love you Travis.  I know you knew that, but do you know now that I grieve for you every minute of every day.  You are never away from me.    Mom

Today you have been gone for one and a half years.  I can't believe it still.  Life just keeps going by.  We all miss you so much.  Our family is so fractured without you here.  I would give anything to have you back here living your life.  We are all struggling but getting by.  We need your guidence to get us through most of our days.  I know you are watching over all of us.  Doesn't seem right that the youngest one in the family has to be the one to keep us all safe.  I love you Travis, and miss you so.

Travis,

It has been One year and five months today since you left us.  It seems like only yesterday.  Time goes so fast.  I am amazed at how my life has changed in this time.  I am on this web site off and on all day.  It is the first thing I do in the morning and I the last thing I do every night.  I go to the cemetary at least five days a week.  Just to check on things.  I am so dedicated to keeping your memory alive.  In doing so I hope I am not short changing your brothers.  I know they are still here and need me to be there for them too.  I just can't let you go.  I don't think I ever will. I miss you so much.  Stay with me Travis, I need your guidance.  I am so proud to have been your mother.  I Love you,  Mom